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Things We Will Never Do (vocal with orchestra plus script)

The two-act musical stage play A GIANT INFLATABLE CHRISTMAS contains a plot point about a church Christmas program. We first learn of the Christmas program in this scene, when Anna, the person who has volunteered to run the program, visits Rev. Devon to discuss her plans. After a brief discussion, Rev. Devon sings a list of past Christmas program failures he has witnessed in his long career. This scene, a high point of humor in the show, easily stands alone as a skit. The three-page script of the scene is included in the pdf file.

Here are two sample stanzas, along with the connecting dialogue:

+ + +

In eighty-eight an idea that they thought would turn to gold,
Was to ditch the baby doll and use a real live two-month-old.
Her parents gave her something that was supposed to make her sleep.
But during Silent Night the little babe began to shriek.

Anna: What did they give her? To make her sleep, I mean.

Rev. Devon: I told them never to tell me.

In ninety-seven we had seen some hardware that we liked,
And fitted all the speaking roles with brand-new wireless mics.
It worked just fine and we had started feeling mighty grand,
Until United fifty-six asked to be cleared to land.

+ + +

In this scene, Anna does not sing, and with a name change, would not even have to be female. Rev. Devon's song runs from D to G, an octave and a half, though there is a built-in workaround for the G, and there is only one F# that is also easy to work around, leaving E as the highest note, so the song is probably doable by a high baritone.

The pdf file includes a rehearsal score containing the vocal line and a piano part that could be used for performance without an orchestra, or with a partial orchestra.

The song is intended to be performed with the pit orchestra for the show, and 20 pieces are recommended:

Flute 1 & 2 (one each)
Clarinet 1 & 2 (one each)
Trumpet 1 & 2 (one each)
F Horn 1 & 2 (one each)
Trombone 1 & 2 (one each)
Violin 1 & 2 (two each)
Keyboard (Rhodes piano)
Guitar (one player: hollow body electric)
Electric Bass
Percussion (one player: glockenspiel or marching bells)
Drum Kit (one player: bass and snare)

Since this is written for a pit orchestra, no substitute parts are included.

MP3 sound sample: entire piece (synthesizer/midi).

THINGS WE WILL NEVER DO by Tom Kirkland, a tenor solo with 20-piece orchestra, comes in a pdf file of 968K, including a three-page script for ACT ONE SCENE FOUR of the musical play A GIANT INFLATABLE CHRISTMAS, a fifteen-page vocal/piano rehearsal score, thirty-six page orchestral score, nine three-page parts, two four-page parts, one seven-page part, and a license page, ninety-seven pages in all. Performance time should be about 4:15 for the song alone, about six minutes for the entire scene.

The majority of our sheet music pieces use electronically-produced demos on the item pages. We would much prefer to use actual recordings, so if you email us a digital recording or link to an online video and we end up using it as a demo on our site (fully credited), we will send you a coupon code good for US$25 toward your next purchase from our site.

Many of our sheet music licenses state that the purchaser does not have the right to record the work. We have modified our policy on this, and unless the license page states that you must obtain permission from a party other than to record the work, we will allow a small number (less than 50) of copies of an audio or video recording of a live performance to be made and distributed and/or posted to a free web site for viewing/listening, so long as, the composer, arranger, and lyricist are credited.


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Last update: 24 APR 2023